


Selfishness

by laurenannie



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Dark Ritual, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-08
Updated: 2017-11-08
Packaged: 2019-01-31 00:49:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12664893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laurenannie/pseuds/laurenannie
Summary: Elissa Cousland's thoughts the night of the Dark Ritual





	Selfishness

**Author's Note:**

> I was trying to get into Elissa Cousland's mind to write some dialogue for my story "Love or Something Like It" and this scene popped into my head.

Elissa Cousland cried in the dark. Huddled on the bed in the fetal position, she tried to block out what Alistair was doing down the hall. For her. Because she asked him to. And yet, the thought of it now made her sick. But she couldn’t risk losing Alistair, risk losing the only good thing in her life.

He had given her a rose because it reminded him of her. “”How could something so beautiful exist in a place with so much despair and ugliness…In a lot of ways I think the same thing when I look at you.”

Through the death and the darkspawn and the destruction they had found each other. And for both of them, all they had was each other. Alistair was an orphan, sent the chantry as a young boy. His attempt to connect with his half-sister had gone…poorly. And Elissa…Elissa had lost everyone she had ever loved.

She still had nightmares about running into Fergus’ bedroom to find Oriana and Oren slaughtered on the floor, the blood pooling around them, their deaths still fresh. She could still hear her mother crying out “Oren!” and see her mother hugging the limp body. Finding her father bleeding out on the kitchen floor. Being forced to leave him and her mother there, to die at the hands of Arl Howe. Duncan refusing to help unless she joined the Grey Wardens. Watching Duncan kill Jory when he refused to participate in the Joining, and knowing she would have no choice but to drink from that chalice. Finding out from Morrigan that darkspawn had taken over the area her brother had been scouting, knowing what that meant for Fergus’ chances at survival. 

One thing she had never shared with Alistair was her disdain for Duncan. He had loved Duncan like a father. And after he died fighting the darkspawn, it would have been needlessly cruel to share her low opinion of the man with Alistair. Besides, if she had met Duncan under different circumstances, she might feel differently about him. It was best to let Alistair hold on to the memories of the man he revered, unblemished. 

Her family had been her life. And now her life was gone, replaced with nightmares that alternated between reliving the bloodshed at Castle Cousland and hearing the call of the Archdemon. And she couldn’t stop feeling that she should have done more. She had been too late for Oren and Oriana, but maybe she could have saved her parents if she had refused to go with Duncan and stayed.

But at least she had Alistair. And as she fell in love with Alistair she began to have hope again. That once this nightmare was over, she could rebuild her life with him. She had convinced him to take the throne at the Landsmeet with her by his side as his wife. She believed that together they would be good monarchs. Alistair was kind and cared for others, traits that would be needed in the dark months ahead. And she could use her experience from the terynir to navigate the court.

So when Riordan informed them that a Grey Warden must sacrifice their life to end the Blight she was devastated. With her luck, Riordan wouldn’t be there to take the final blow as he requested. It would have to be her or Alistair. She couldn’t lose Alistair. Daydreams of their life together was all that got her through some days. And she didn’t want to die herself. She had never wanted to be a Grey Warden in the first place. 

When Morrigan told her about the Dark Ritual, offered a way out, she knew she should say no. Transfer the Archdemon’s soul instead of killing it? There was no way to know how that would work out. Would it cause another Blight? Would the child turn out a demon? And it would be the King of Ferelden’s bastard son. Although Morrigan insisted she wouldn’t use the child to claim the throne, Morrigan had proved herself pretty untrustworthy.

But the other option was death. Elissa was nineteen years old. She didn’t want to die. She didn’t want to lose Alistair. And so she had asked Alistair to do the unthinkable. Begged him, for her. To ensure their future. And because Alistair would do anything for her, he agreed.

“Love is ultimately selfish.” Elissa had hated Wynne for those words, but Wynne was right. “You may be forced to make a choice between saving your love and saving everyone else, and then what would you do?” Apparently, she would save her love. She was selfish. 

She wondered what her parents would think of her if they knew. They would likely be horrified that the daughter they had raised to put duty above all was making such a choice. But her parents were dead. Elissa had no one except Alistair. 

She heard the door to the room open behind her and knew without looking it was Alistair. She listened to his footsteps approach the bed, and felt his weight as he lay down next to her. She felt his hand on her shoulder and she pulled away. “No,” she told him.

“You can’t be mad at me Elissa,” he said. “That’s not fair.”

A fresh wave of tears started to fall down Elissa’s cheeks. “I know,” she told him. “But we’ll have the rest of our lives to work through what happened tonight. That’s why I asked you to do it. So we could have the rest of our lives together.”

She felt Alistair shift his weight and turn away from her. Alistair would forgive her. And, with time, Elissa would hopefully forgive herself.


End file.
